And then there's charity.
I'm a regular blood donor.
I give out spare change to those in need.
I even let my lady friends use my phone number as a decoy one for guys that they have no interest in whatsoever.
It's been awhile since I've done charity work on a grander scale.
One for the greater good and whatnot.
Which is why my friend and I have decided to put together a non-profit charity.
The BSBF
Broken down:
The
Bring
Sexy
Back
Foundation
If I had a camcorder, I probably would've put together an infomercial for it.
For now, please enjoy this rough edit of the script.
Shots of nature, gentle wildlife.
Voice Over: It has always been wildly debated as to what created life on this planet.
Shots of individual babies laughing. Followed bu individual shots of what's being said.
VO: But we do know what created one Mike Kaess...
Music from Barry White, scented candles, cheap wine, and a broken condom.
Shot of Mike using the Captain Morgan stance overlooking an ocean, preferably a clean one.
VO: It was in the year 1982 when he graced our world.
To all of us though, it would be the mid-to-late 90's when he would start making his great impacts.
Home movie clips.
Mostly embarrassing ones. Band, cosplay, work uniform, toilet training, stuff like that.
VO: It was his years in high school where he would give us a glimpse of the obscene awesomeness that is Mike Kaess.
With the dawn of a new century, alcohol, and a karaoke bar we'd see it explode unto the masses.
Clip of Mike Kaess performing "Bye Bye Bye"
Clips of Mike bar-hopping, jumping around near the front of the stage at a Leperkhanz show, and laughing with friends.
VO: Mike Kaess touched lives.
Series of short interview clips.
Random A: RADDEST FUCKING DUDE ALIVE!!!!
Random B: I've worked with him. I wouldn't say he's well liked... Well hung... yes.
Random Beatnik complete w/ bongo: Hands. Touching me. Stop. Daddy stop.
Random C: I wouldn't touch that with a 10ft. pole.
Random D: I like pudding!
Sunset. Mike wearing stunna shades overlooking the horizon.
VO: 2006 would have him hearing the call to bring his awesomeness to a different state. Perhaps one not as deserving or needy as ours.
The state of Texas.
Understandably, he was immediately missed.
Series of short interview clips.
Random A: RADDEST FUCKING DUDE ALIVE!!!!
Random B: There's a sadness in my pants.
Random C: Wait. Who are we talking about?
Random D: I like pudding!
Shot of a poster for the movie Pearl Harbor with the title circled and the word PLOT pointing to it.
VO: Really missed.
Some generic tele-sales place. VO guy sitting casually on the edge of a desk of one of the employees.
VO: Which is why this organization was setup.
The BSBF or as it's more widly known now: The Bring Sexy Back Foundation.
It's main purpose is to bring one of Southern California's more treasured commodities back.
If not for the span of his lifetime, at least for two weeks.
Just a $5 donation can help satiate the masses that grew to love him in Southern California and at the least break the monotony that is his life in Texas now.
Clip of Mike microwaving a hot pocket. The microwave playing Europe's "Final Countdown" while it works.
VO: Sad is it not? To know that he's not being properly used.
Which is why we need you to help us.
The BSBF which is a non-profit organization.
Send us your donations.
Don't stop at just one.
Help us to create magic and bring back life to Southern California.
Shot of attractive lady posing seductively in a bed.
Shot of door to bedroom slowly fillling with fog.
Final Countdown again starts playing.
Laser effects.
Feet step into.
Camera pans up to Mike standing proudly.
VO: With just $5, help us to bring purpose back to our lives.
Back to shot of Mike in bedroom.
More Final Countdown.
Camera to the back of him centered on his head.
While looking over his shoulder:
Mike: The reason I love you...
Is not because I love you...
But because I only love you.
fade out.
------------------------------------
Again, non-profit.
I'm being serious.
He's already got a place to crash for his eventual two-week visit here.
He'll be using my bed.
I'm content with taking the couch if I have to.
What we really need are funds to cover everything Mike wants to cram into that two week period.
Visits with old friends in the form of bar-hopping and concerts.
Another epic night in downtown SD.
Appearances at the karaoke bars where people still whisper his name.
And food would be nice too.
So again, non-profit.
Consider it as something to help push humanity in the right direction.
Donations are being accepted.
If there is a surplus I'd probably use it towards getting an XBOX 360 for the apartment.
Non-profit.
We'd probably want to be leaving obscene tips wherever we go too.
Ladies and gentlemen, open up your hearts and your wallets.
If we got at least $5 from every single heart he's touched during the blessed times we had him here it'd be more than enough to cover his trip out here,
If we up it to $20, we could even setup a big screen in the living room in time for football season.
Thank you for your time.
Current Brain Age: 20
Current Wii Fitness Age: 25
The Random Quote:
"I'm too fly to be depressed." - Ne Yo
Sunday, July 29, 2007
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